It is damned sunny today and, I finished my first job in Brock Tv. I love being a volunteer there, staying with cameras, editing tools, and people who really love movies, arts or music, and treat them seriously.

After this, I went to Prof Nebesio’s office. I like the way he telling a story, slowly, slowly… with the sunshine through the big window of his office, a big glass of tea at the side of his desk and a pit of a pear near it. We talked about… about… and about…

And now, I need to begin my reading report about Andre Bazin, which is due to tomorrow morning, and also which I still haven’t started yet… And… and beside me, those silly lady bugs are sliding down from the blinds one by one, again and again…

BrockTV – 24HR Film Festival 2010

First Work Done by Me at Brock TV

上个礼拜的纪录片课上看了意志的胜利，今天关于它的seminar算是真真切切让我体会到了culture crash的含义。

大部分同学无法相信这些阅兵仪式是真实的，认为那些站在希特勒两侧的广场上纹丝不动的军队是editing出来的效果，或者是摆拍。于是，在这部影片是fiction还是documentary的问题是徘徊良久；有个同学认为，大部分人都是被迫参加希特勒的纳粹盛事；几乎没有人知道希特勒是一个矮子；有一个女生突然跳出来说她认为这部影片的真正意图实际上是对纳粹大屠杀的讽刺。

我想这大概便是我在documentary的seminar上常常缄口而不言的原因。对于我来说是common sense的事情，这帮长在资本主义发达国家的同学却常常要瞪大了他们的眼睛，让我觉得尤其讨厌。作为一个土生土长的中国人，我彻彻底底地理解全民造神时期的狂热；希特勒拿破伦邓小平是矮子的八卦早在初中时期便开始在校园里盛传，在小学的时候，我们的老师就告诉我们仰拍毛主席，可以使他显得高大英勇。整堂课一群人就在那儿Jew，Jew，Jew，真有一股冲动要冲到他们面前大吼一句，这他妈的就是一部纳粹宣传片，内容和屠杀犹太人一点关系都没有！

年夜饭是和带我们Seminar的TA一起吃的，席间，他问我对于这部片子什么看法。我反问他，加拿大每年阅兵吗？答曰，NO。我说，哦，对于我来说这片子就是nothing，因为每年十月一日，我们的中央电视台就会准时上演一部《意志的胜利》，并且仪仗队的阵势，士兵的机械化与面无表情远胜于此，什么montage啊，mise-en-scene啊也决不输与这部文艺大片。只是，比起希特勒，我们领导人的讲话看上去略逊激情，略显那么娘娘腔了一点。当然了，出于民猪自尊心，最后一句话俺没说。

说道seminar，我又想到了前段时间的presentation。话说，我的那个partner实在是帅气也实在是nice，一见我便开始闲聊不止。只是⋯⋯只是⋯⋯只是我们用大部分的时间讨论了关于中国社会主义的真实性与合理性的问题，讨论了中国的西藏问题，讨论了中国的人口问题，讨论了中国的计划生育问题⋯⋯于是，从那个阳光明媚的上午起，我便预见到了我在加拿大恋爱的悲剧性－－他们对于中国政治的好奇远远大于对于我的胸部与臀部的好奇⋯⋯哎⋯⋯亲爱的祖国母亲大人，救救我们这些生活在水深火热的资本主义国家里的单身女性吧！

11 January 2010, on the first day I became a film major student, my favorite director died…

It happened on the New Year Eve’s party at my friend’s house where I was the only Chinese among more than 10 Canadians. Everything went on very well in the party, except for two embarrassing things — my exaggerate scared reaction of dogs, and a guy’s comments on Chinese government.

At last, I let the dog Cici lay on me feet and touched it. I would never do it before, because of my fright to dogs. That night, for the first time, a dog and I became good friends. However, the guy’s barking is still annoying me till now. Well, I do think he is a nice guy, and I know he just want to say something about the Chinese government for fun, and use the phrases such as Communist Country, Religions or Child Labour to indicate that he is acknowledged instead of meaning to offend me.

Usually, I would be a person telling my Canadian friends about how shitty the Chinese Government is, how I hate the Chinese Communist Party with a very natural tone, and I feel glad to tell my friends these things about China. This time, however, is different, as the only Chinese girl among 10 Canadians, I do feel embarrassed and annoyed by the guy’s talk.

I did feel surprised about my reaction and feeling to this issue. Why I do hate Chinese Government and I wouldn’t feel bad if I heard any bad news about China on TV, but I do hate some Canadian guy’s negative comment about China.

I really want to tell that guy, it is not my choice to be born in China, and charged by the Chinese Communist Party, everyone in the world want Democracy and Freedom and meanwhile we are trying to change the situation. But your talk wouldn’t let me feel you don’t like China, it would just make me think that you hate me so much.

It is just like you won’t tell an overweighted person anything like you looks huge or it is the time for you to get out of your big ass and loose some weight unless you are a doctor, so, it is okay for you to discuss about Democracy and Communism with a Chinese girl seriously, but don’t talk about it in a joking tone, it won’t make you look fun nor humorous.

At last, the guy’s Comment on Chinese Government end up with my “What did you say?” Actually, it was just a question sentence, because it is  literally true that I didn’t hear what he said clearly. I looked at the guy, and the guy avoid my eyesight with a shame.

Several weeks ago, I was really pissed off by talking with Mark through Internet, for every time he would say, “I miss you”, “I believe we’ll see each other again”, “why you are so far away from me” and the damed “That’s fate”!

That morning, When I just got up, even hadn’t brush my teeth, and he was at his mother’s house in England for a Christmas break, I deleted all his name from FB, MSN and Skype. I told him I was really tired of these strengthless words, please don’t talk to me unless you can figure out when we two can have a face to face talk.

Some days ago, a friend told me he was into me before. I said, me, too. Then, I asked, but why, why we both knew we liked each other and I ended up in your good friend’s bed?– “Oh, it’s fate.” ,I answered myself with his sentence which I used to hate so much before.

It’s fate? Sometimes, things look so beautiful, just because it is so far away beyond your control. The distance can be from the east side of he planet to the west of it, or, it is about right person, right place but wrong time.

Can we do something about it? Actually, I can pack up during the winter holiday and either fly to England or Thailand to visit Mark. Mark can also earn some money by teaching English or whatever in Thailand and then appeared in a bright morning right at my door to give me a romantic surprise kiss. And for the other guy, we can just ignore the boy I dated before.

But, but again, WHY? Why none of us would do that for each other? Just in order to keep this kind of love affair out of reach so that it can be beautiful and perfect for ever? And then, tell each other in an upset tone the universal truth  – it’s fate, meaning: “WE ARE JUST NOT THAT INTO EACH OTHER”?