Several weeks ago, I was really pissed off by talking with Mark through Internet, for every time he would say, “I miss you”, “I believe we’ll see each other again”, “why you are so far away from me” and the damed “That’s fate”!

That morning, When I just got up, even hadn’t brush my teeth, and he was at his mother’s house in England for a Christmas break, I deleted all his name from FB, MSN and Skype. I told him I was really tired of these strengthless words, please don’t talk to me unless you can figure out when we two can have a face to face talk.

Some days ago, a friend told me he was into me before. I said, me, too. Then, I asked, but why, why we both knew we liked each other and I ended up in your good friend’s bed?– “Oh, it’s fate.” ,I answered myself with his sentence which I used to hate so much before.

It’s fate? Sometimes, things look so beautiful, just because it is so far away beyond your control. The distance can be from the east side of he planet to the west of it, or, it is about right person, right place but wrong time.

Can we do something about it? Actually, I can pack up during the winter holiday and either fly to England or Thailand to visit Mark. Mark can also earn some money by teaching English or whatever in Thailand and then appeared in a bright morning right at my door to give me a romantic surprise kiss. And for the other guy, we can just ignore the boy I dated before.

But, but again, WHY? Why none of us would do that for each other? Just in order to keep this kind of love affair out of reach so that it can be beautiful and perfect for ever? And then, tell each other in an upset tone the universal truth  – it’s fate, meaning: “WE ARE JUST NOT THAT INTO EACH OTHER”?

After I came to Canada, after I changed my life from a potential accountant or a finance analyst to a potential successful film critic or a film director or maybe a happy waitress in a Chinese restaurant, and on the day right after the a little bit lonely and horny Christmas, I decide, there should be one catalogue named “This is Canada” in this blog which had been notice-less for the whole 6 years since I’ve started it.

Right Followed by the drunk and amazing Christmas night, I locked myself in the bedroom for a whole day long. My landlady went out for some fun maybe either with her friend at the Casino, or at her dearest son’s house with her two granddaughters. For this smoggy day, I was lying in the bed with my 10-year-old doggy doll, watched the soap opera “Sex and the City” from 11 am to 11 pm, and fed myself with a half large bottle of apple juice, two pieces of Cake, one piece of Ferrero, and two very authentic Chinese Baozi, and one Chinese “ludan”, which has a tag on it reads “Best before Dec. 22nd”. It is Dec. 26 today, but who cares. At least I know they are not poisonous, I definitely love them, and I brought them in the Chinese supermarket in Mississauga, one hour by car from the place I live.

The purpose why I watch “Sex and City” is that I want to get some training for my upcoming film courses. God knows how hard it should it be for a Chinese girl to watch an English movie without any subtitle, especially, I’m going to take documentary course next semester, and the strange Americans would never put a subtitle on while they are watching a film. So, I’m trying to get rid of the subtitles by watching “Sex and City”. Well, I know you guys who know me a little bit deeper is holding your laughter. Ok, I deny, I’m absolutely not the kind of person to watch a shitty TV series just for improving my English. It’s such a wonderful TV opera, I should say. Woody Allen’s everything-can-happen New York city, sexes, and wonderful but not imaginary love, that’s all the things attractive to me. I’m a kind of dying for love these days, these days out of the never stop these years.

Today, I suddenly realized I’ve been in Canada for FIVE MONTHS. FIVE MONTHS! From the days I just wear a shawl, lining to the fence of my residence, enjoying the breeze and the very green Quarry View with the wild flower on it to today– today, when I get out of my bed for a break, I went towards the window; I watched through the blinds and felt a kind of nervous. It was such a foggy and stuffy night, the lights of the sides of the road became smoothy, all the leaves of the trees are gone, I stared at the still and bared trunks, no traffic was running at only 11 during the night, I got a very strong feeling that I was far a way from the modern society, it seems I was in the hell, really, I did think like that– I was surrounded by a bunch of ghosts. Maybe I am.Now, I don’t care whom I am, and what I am going to be.

Five months, that means… that means a lot of months, yeah, a lot of months that a month after which I can apply for a US Visa that will take me to New York where Leonard Cohen had a concert 2 months ago, but I’ve already missed it. 5 months also means after which I can get a part time job either in a Chinese restraint, or in a Japanese restraint, Thai or Korean, because for either of them, the owners are all made in China.

Most of the time, during the time of the year, I would write some boring things to conclude what boring things I have done during the whole 12 months. However, I am not going to do this silly thing at the end of 2009. I don’t want to get any conclusion, I just want a perfect starting!

HELLO 2010, DO YOU HEAR ME, THE MOST BRILLIANT AND PRETTY GIRL IN THE WORLD!

这件事似乎发生在08年的夏天，也许是春天，也许是秋天，我记不得了。

那个时候，绿霸尚在研发之中，饭否也依旧健在；我常常逃了课盘腿坐在寝室的床上捧着电脑写些长篇的博客或者几个字的饭否。饭否上有个人叫北风，西藏事件的时候，他用手机短信在饭否上实时报道，我想我应该是从这个时候开始关注他的，当然了，也有可能是瓮安。我不想查任何资料，我只想摸着自己凌乱的记忆写下这件事情。

有一天，我看到北风在饭否上发了一个牛博网的链接，似乎有注明是《零八宪章》，点开来之后才知道这样的一件大事正在互联网上默默地进行着。说实话，当时我只是粗略地看了一下宪章，我记得有几句话我并不是很同意的，似乎是关于对整个旧体制彻底地推翻与颠覆，我当时觉得这个时候如此彻底地改革时机尚未成熟。后面的一些条具体的措施我倒是十分赞同，我想每一个中国公民都会赞同，比如，关于城乡二元治，关于户籍，关于一党专政，关于医保制度，以及总体的关于对民主与自由的诉求。我记得几个名字，似乎有茅于轼、梁文道、崔卫平。当时是没有想到要去签名的，一方面是因为自己对历史一窍不通，觉得政治这些事是与我毫不相干的；另一方面便是觉得，没有必要，签了又能怎样？

我记得自己读过宪章之后很是激动，于是在网上与一个熟识的朋友讨论。他是崔卫平的学生，但他认为这个时候改革是不合适的。我则是怀着满腔的激情给他写了一封长信，与他争论民主与自由的重要性。那封信我越写越激动，我是很少用惊叹号的，但是如果没有记错的话，在那封信的信末，我以惊叹号结尾，写道“我会去签名”。

签名的信发出去之后，不得不承认，我有稍许惊慌，那个时候维基百科上对这件事情已经有了些许描述，是已经有一批人进了公安局的。而我去加拿大的签证还在申请之中。但这也只是一晃而过的担忧罢了，我基本上已经忘了这件事情。

直到有一天，放寒假快过年的时候，我接到了一个电话，打给我手机的。对方问我是不是颜筱筱，我说是。他说自己是学校里的书记，好像姓张吧，问我有没有在网上签过名。当时我就意识到，好了，事情来了。我说什么签名？他说网上的一个签名。不得不承认，我当时有些恐惧与慌张。我说，不好意思我不记得。他说你仔细想一想，到底有没有签过。我说到底是什么签名？就这样，我们周旋来周旋去，最后他说，你想想看，你有没有签过一个叫什么章的签名，如果签过的话一定要承认，学校可以帮你澄清，否则你毕业的事情是要出问题的。我当时读大四，最后一个学期。我实在是不知所措，而这件事在我看来，似乎也已经掩盖不过去了。我说我等一下打给你，我先好好想一想。对方说好。

幸好当时与我最要好的表姐在我家，更庆幸的是我妈妈那一天没有在。挂掉电话之后我立刻告诉我表姐这件事，她马上打电话给我表姐夫，在我表姐夫到我家的途中。我给学校里的一个老师打了个电话，我什么也没有说，只是把手机上显示的号码报给他，让他帮我查一下是不是学校的电话。 我当时就是想确定，到底是学校在查我，还是公安在查我。 我表姐夫来了之后便给我爸打了个电话，把这件事告诉他，问他要怎么办。我爸一介良民，当然也想不出好办法。 挂了电话几分钟后，我的手机就一直在响，还是原来那个号码。可是事情还没有弄清楚，我就一直把电话挂掉。过了一会儿，那个老师回我说那不是学校的电话。 这期间，我的手机还是一直在响，而我还在查到底是学校在查我还是公安在查我，以及决定自己要不要承认这件事情。我表姐夫帮我接了一次电话，说我出去了。对方很生气，质问我是不是在逃避。我表姐夫说，我们没有在逃闭，颜筱筱的确出去了。然后，我弄清楚了，的确是公安在查这件事情，我的姓和名字都很少见，中华人民共和国政府公安是很强大的，我唯一能做的当然是说我的确签过名。随后，我家里的座机便响了。我接起电话，说我的确签了名。对方说，什么？！真的是你？！他几乎是叫出来的，语气里充满了惊讶。我说，是的，是我。现在想来，应该是公安叫学校来查我的。然后，他似乎比我还要慌张地问我，是你自己签的还是别人叫你签的，我说我自己。你是从哪里看到的，我说网上。然后他问我具体网址，和内容，我说我只是忽然看到的不记得了。最后，他又慌张地说，你赶快写一封检讨书，要诚恳，寄给XXX。然后，他留了一个邮箱地址给我。

我赶快拿过电脑写检讨书，大概就是说自己年幼无知，根本不知道宪章为何物，看到好多名人都在签名，自己也就跟风签了。说自己和自己的家庭都是承蒙共产党的恩惠，怎么会反对共产党，反对中国政府呢？写着写着，实在忍无可忍，在我表姐和表姐夫面前骂了一句我操他妈。

然后，我又接到了另一个学校里的领导打来的电话，我不记得他具体是谁。我只记得他说，你怎么可以签那个宪章呢，那个是伪宪章呀！听到这样的腔调，我已经无力回答任何问题，我只说哦。他又说，你这个在以前叫反革命呀！我继续说哦。他又说，现在查出来这个宪章已经有几万人签过了，几千个学生，但是很多人用的都是假名。我还是说哦。他又问我，你是台州的吗？我说是。他说台州哪里，我说温岭。他说，我也是温岭的呀，你再说一遍你叫什么，我说颜筱筱。他说，诶，这个名字好熟悉呀，你是通过我才进工商大学的吗？我说不是，我是自己考进来的。他觉得和我也没什么好说的了，就叫我检讨书好好写。后来，又接到那个张书记的电话，问我父母在不在家，我说不在，于是他向我要了我爸的手机号码。打了电话给我爸。
随后，辅导员打电话给我，说是为了“那件事”，“那件事”是她的原话。然后，又有张书记电话打来问我检讨书写好了没，并劝戒我“以后要安耽一点”。那一天，我家的电话响个不停。我想，我没有给学校提供过我家里的电话和我的手机号码。后来的电话是同学打来的，问我出了什么大事，为什么学校会有电话打到他们家里询问关于我的事。我说，没什么，现在没空解释，以后再和你说。后来，开学了的时候，我得知学校问我的同学，我平时表现如何，成绩怎么样，有没有怂恿他们签名。我当然没有。

事情就是这样。事后，我对这个政府由失望转变为绝望。对电话铃声与敲门声充满了恐惧。时时刻刻担心自己的签证会出问题，担心这件事被妈妈知道会让她担心。而这种恐惧与紧张的情绪，更或者说是怨恨，一直到有一个夜晚，在我到加拿大三个月之后才彻底被我宣泄出来。我写了一封长信给我爸爸，一边写，一边嚎啕大哭，我说我不过是一个二十初头的小姑娘，我只是希望我的国家，我们的同胞会有更加美好的生活，可是他们为何要这样对待我。

写这篇博客的起因是为了忏悔的。最近看了《公民调查》，在读崔卫平的文章。当看到这么多勇敢的人站在我面前的时候，我为自己的那封检讨书，为自己的唯唯诺诺羞愧难当。但是现在，当我写下这整件事情的经过的时候，我觉得很欣慰，我为争取自由与民主而努力过。中国的体制真的是要到了非改不可的地步。

向崔卫平老师致敬，向刘哓波，潭作人先生致敬。

我，颜筱筱，是《零八宪章》第五批自愿签名者。我不会停下追赶自由与民主的脚步。

如果你也是签署者之一，不妨也写下你的经历，让更多的人知道我们在作这样一件有意义的事。

我想说的是，如果尼采读了《论语》，他也是要讨厌孔仲尼的。证据如下：

“他（穆勒）讲‘对于一个人来说正当的事，对另一个人来说也正当’；‘你不愿意旁人对你做的事，你也不要对旁人做’；说这些话使我对这些人的庸俗感到憎恶。这种 原则乐于把人与人的交道全部建立在相互效劳上，于是每一件行动仿佛都成了对于给我们所做的事情的现钱报酬。其中的假定卑鄙到极点：认为我的行动与你的行动之间在价值上有某种相当是理所当然的。”

另外，很不要脸地说一句，我最近在读Xiaolu Guo的书。我十分哀伤地发现，我是很喜欢这本书的。我觉得她似乎是假扮成了我，装作在我现在的年纪，拼凑了一些我的经历，攫取了我的很多人生观与价值观，并用我的语气写成了这么一本书。啊⋯⋯怎么可以这样⋯⋯而且⋯⋯而且我更哀伤地发现，这个Xiaolu Guo是一个很有情趣的姑娘⋯⋯在这个世界上，有情的姑娘太多太多，可是有趣的却很少。我是多么喜欢有情趣的姑娘啊～可是⋯⋯可是怎么可以这样！

好吧，明年我一定要去多伦多电影节，看看小橹郭长成什么样。